kisses

There is nothing quite binding as a kiss. My birthday was on the 13th of June. I am a full grown and awkward 27 years old. A little wiser- there are plenty of kisses that I regret. After seeing my line-up maybe, ‘plenty’ is not the correct word as my lip buddies are well under the number 10.

The first man I ever kissed is my father. Not in a gross make-out way, but in how fathers and daughters kiss. I mention this, as oppose to the countless uncles I have exchanged kisses with, because I am my father’s daughter. I have a rather unhealthy need to please him and be perfect, without actually being pleasing to him and hardly perfect. I hide my blemishes well, which takes its toll. I love my father dearly and he loves me. But there are times I am crushed by his expectations and I have grown so used to bottling it up, that I would rather perpetuate the myth than be honest with him.

The first boy I ever kissed promised to love me forever. So far so good. I was 15 and terrified. We’re both much older and the kisses still mean something. There is kissing to say hello and goodbye, kisses to make up for a bad fight, kisses to replace tears and kisses of contentment. We probably fight more than a happy couple should. But we are happy. It’s not perfect- but it’s our mess and we do the best to become better at it.

I kissed a girl in high-school. It was hardly life changing. Then I kissed my closest friend for quite a while until it became a pleasant habit. It breaks my heart to think I might never kiss her again- because we are not us anymore. Of course we still love each other fiercely- but we lost an intimacy to our friendship. It was probably all my fault. I tend to fuck up. A lot.

The 2nd boy I kissed tricked me. The 3rd seduced me. The 4th amused me. And the 5th I felt bad for. It’s always the kisses one should not have had that annoy me the most. Being older should mean accepting your mistakes and cherishing the good decisions. But fuck it. I’d rather I had always kissed whoever I’d have wanted to kiss in the future. Sound complicated no? Well maybe it is. It feels like I gave too much away. Locking lips is no small matter.

27 has taught me one thing and one thing only. To be selfish with my kisses. I have seen a glimpse of my future. In it- I am high on champagne, smug about having found true love, on a spiritual quest, happy and above all- kissing only those who deserve my lips. Another thing 27 has taught me- giving away kisses willy-nilly means you are the one that runs out.

P.S I meant to blog endlessly about my trip to Romania, but maybe later. Inspiration came and went.